Debate Night

 Well, I watched it.  No words.  I'm embarrassed for our country that we have a bully in charge.  I'm done. I have to seriously question the integrity of anyone who can still support this man.  That's all I have to say about it.  VOTE HIM OUT

And Just Like That ...

 It is Fall!  How is it that time can seem to be dragging during this time of Covid and yet, all of a sudden a month has passed?  I often am not even sure what day it is as they all run together.  I hear the same thing from many of my friends (most of whom I don't get to see anymore).  I have had the same conversation repeatedly.  People are weary, they are anxiety ridden, they are fearful, overtaxed and overwhelmed.  And I am not going to lie ... I feel like if we don't get a new administration in November that we will be lost.  It is hard, it is scary and it seems to be never ending.  

I had this feeling in the very beginning of the Covid shutdowns that we would likely lose a year before anything approaching normal life could resume.  I still think that.  Tragically, we have lost so many lives and we still know so little about how to finally overcome this situation, that I believe that we won't ever go back to how it was.  Some of that is okay with me.  People were far too cavalier about going out to work and school, etc. while sick.  There was an attitude that we could cure whatever ailed us.  We've had a very sad wake up call.  I hope that we will finally understand (or at least most of us will) that our rights end where someone else's begin.  We don't have that right to endanger others.  I hope that we learn to appreciate the little things ... that the time spent in isolation with family will renew some values that may have been lost in that dizzy, hurry-up life style of the past.  I hope that we are less entitled and more humble.  I hope that we realize that we had the ability all along to do better had we united in our efforts.  Most other countries did so much better.  Its a hard lesson ... much harder on some than on others.  We are nowhere through it yet and we still don't have a consolidated effort.  It's heartbreaking.  What I do know for sure is that denial will never be an answer and we still have too much of that.  It is a sad time globally and particularly in the US.  I'm hoping we all make it.

So, I think that the next time we blink it will be time for the holidays and then we will go into a new year.  Maybe at this time next year we will be looking at the end of a very dark time.  I hope I'll see all my loved ones on the other side.  

Strange Days

 I can't even pretend to relate to the times that we currently find ourselves in.  Everyone  (and by everyone I'm pretty sure its the global community)  is having to reorient themselves in the face of the Covid 19 pandemic.  We, in the United States, are not doing well.  The why's and wherefores have been examined ad nauseam by all kinds of professionals by now and I am not one of those.  I'm only going to express my thoughts and feelings regarding all of this.

As the alarm bells started sounding in the US, I had only been back from a trip to Italy for a couple of months.  I literally left Venice on the day of the flood in November.  So, when I saw what was happening in Italy, my heart broke.  While I thought that the same thing could happen here, I also thought - well surely not.  We are the US.  We've got this.  As it turned out, we didn't.  Now we are months in and there have been way too many deaths and there is not really an end in sight. 

So, I ping pong back and forth between being depressed, heartsick and lonely to grabbing at the tiny silver linings in an attempt to stay level.  I'm fortunate in that I am retired.  I am fortunate that although I don't get to see them much,  I do get to see my family some.  We are ultra careful.  We space things out.  We don't do one large gathering.  But, they can work from home and their littles are too young to be very adversely effected by the school situation.  I also sparingly see my 92 year old mother.  We are being so very careful of her but, she's hanging in there.  I know that it could be so much worse but, I worry that it still might be ... that someone in my family will get sick, that the entire bottom will fall out of the economy causing my kids to lose jobs, etc.  We are so far from over any of this.  

In an effort to maintain some normalcy, I do the little things as usual.  There are chores, there are tasty things to grow or find at the local farm stand.  There are morning walks and phone chats with friends over coffee.  Sometimes just sitting on the patio with a glass of wine is about as exciting as it gets and yet it is a reminder to be grateful that I have a patio .... and wine.  There are great books, some pretty good television and my own creative pursuits of choice.   I have really had to curtail my news intake.  I am remaining informed, I check once a day for the basics but then, I have to turn it off.  I had to bail out of some social media as I found it angst provoking.  Life is a little calmer without it.  And .... life .... it goes on.

At the end of the day, we all have to do the things that help us cope with this tough, tough situation.  We all long for it to be done.  But, maybe the silver lining is that we are being given an opportunity to figure out what is really important in our individual lives.  I recently heard a quote by Michelle Norris ...

                     DON'T REACH FOR NORMAL.  REACH FOR BETTER

Jumping Back on the Horse

Wow!  No words really.  Here it is 2020 and I have not blogged since 2017.  I never did this for any reason other than to get my thoughts out.  Then, my marriage died, my life did a 180 and I had a lot of changes ... too many changes.  Finally, my laptop gave up the ghost.  That is the reason, in a nutshell, that I didn't blog.  So, here I am with a new laptop and at a decidedly different place in my life and feeling ready to write again.  I'll probably start slow to reintroduce myself to this practice, mainly because I confess to being all but tech illiterate.  I'm going to try to learn how to do this all over again and, I envision that my wonderful kids will be my tech support.

A WHOLE LOT has happened since my last post in September of 2017, both personally and on a worldwide scale.  You would have to be living in a monastery on a mountaintop in seclusion to not know what these many issues are ... and they are tough issues.  I'm not going to reinvent the wheel as to what people know or don't know. I will probably just go down the path of what and how things are affecting me.  My thoughts are either going to look familiar to some or diametrically opposed to others.  It is just going to be my truth.

Anyways ...... I'm back .... I guess.  

September

It is September 11,  2017.  I'm fairly certain that any adult in the country knows the significance of that date.  We will never forget.  What is the legacy of that date?  Well, I'm not really sure.

We exist in a country that has seemingly turned in on itself rather than standing united.  Its sad really but,  I blame politics in general and our current President specifically for the 'divide and conquer' mentality that is prevailing at the moment.

So, this September we are looking at major devastation in our country as a result of hurricanes Harvey, in Texas, and Irma through the islands and into Florida.  Adding to that, major fires are burning in Montana, California and here in Oregon.  I do not believe that our government can handle all of these in their entireties.  We, as a nation, have got to come together and help each other help ourselves.  The current government has done very little to build any kind of confidence that these things are in good hands.  However, people at state and local levels have shown otherwise.  People are showing up and helping.  As Mr. Rogers used to say, 'Look for the helpers.'  One doesn't need to look far to find them.  They are showing up to fight fire, to help people to safety after the hurricanes and to volunteer to clean up and/or donate to the cause.  This is who we really are in America.  We are not our government and we are certainly not represented by this President.  We are a people, by and large, who help each other stand up after a fall.  This was proven on September 11, 2001 and it is still true today.

I used to love September.  It was back to school time, the air got crisper and Fall was around the corner.  Lately, September has been cruel ... particularly this year.  I hope we don't see another one like this one in a very long time.  I also hope that all of this will help us pull together and see the things that really matter and really unite us in this country.  I, for one, would like to approach Thanksgiving and Christmas with far less political vitriol and far more brotherhood this year.

Blogging Pains

Sooooo,

I woke up this morning with a thought to composing a blog post on one topic but, due to the inability to initially access my blog and the ensuing cluster of finally making that happen, the original thought went out the window.

I was really frustrated with the inability to access my blog and as I sought to navigate the 'HELP' section, I found that I was not the only one.  Here's a thought ... I would think that since most bloggers are writers and not tech people, that it would be more helpful not to talk about myriad issues of caches, cookies, etc. and just simply realize that people are running up against your new blogger page who have existing blogs.  Figure out how to let them access their own material without jumping through mind numbing hoops.  Since I don't write my blog for money nor do I have tons of followers, this is simply an exercise in venting.  But seriously, why does EVERY.SINGLE.LITTLE.THING have to become so infuriating when dealing with technology?

And don't even get me started on the topic of it taking two weeks to get cable only to have my t.v. fritz out a week later.  AAAARRRRGGGGG!

So I Live in Texas Now

Well, I'm here.  I've actually been here, in Texas, almost two months ... one third of the time I'm committed to being here.  And well, I don't really know too much more about this state than I did the day I first arrived.  The reason for that is that taking care of someone who is recovering from surgery and a toddler has consumed most of the time.  And then, I collapse, sleep and reboot to do it again for another week.

I do have a space of my own now.  Its a nice little apartment with a surprisingly great view and I cherish my time just being here and breathing ... or sleeping.  Its not home though.  I don't have very many of my familiar belongings and I purposely departed a bit from my preferred decor style ... just because I could and six months isn't long to live with something.

I have discovered, on my rare wanderings, that this little town of Waxahachie, Texas has a hidden treasure.  While this town has been booming and bursting at its seams with growth, sprawl, strip malls and traffic, the heart of the town is still here.  The old and impressively large courthouse still stands on the square and is surrounded by all of the little brick and gingerbread store fronts.  And, best of all, it is coming back to life with a restoration project.  There are great little shops full of everything from clothing to antiques.  There is a yoga studio, a coffee shop, a bakery and the county art center.  Coming soon is an old fashion soda shop.  I peeked through the window and it is just the cutest most authentic looking place.  I can't wait to check it out.  This little bit of history surely will be my salvation (along with my way too cute grandson).

But, there are some things I simply hate about Texas ... the weather and the bugs (and the traffic is pretty atrocious too).  I miss the seasons.  It has been consistently in the 80's or 90's for so long that I've forgotten what a real Fall day feels like.  So much for scarves, boots and sweaters.  When it finally rains here, it is not your gentle cleansing rain ... noooo.  It is rain of epic proportions accompanied by thunder and lightening and all to frequent tornado watches.  I'm over the heat and I'm definitely over the excitement of a good storm.  Nothing snaps you out of that stance like an announcement over your phone or the television that you are to 'shelter in place.'   And then, there are the bugs.  Ugh!  They are big, they are nasty and they are everywhere.  A good hard freeze would be welcome to send those demons right back to hell.  That leaves traffic ... growth that is too fast, people pouring into the area and an infrastructure that can't keep up.  People either drive way too fast for the conditions ... or way too slow because its confusing (this crazy freeway under construction thing).  Anyway, its a little intimidating for this 65 year old, small town Oregonian.  But then again, what isn't?

So, here I am ... having this 'adventure' and the thing I am learning the most is what I don't want.  I don't want to live here forever (no aspersion to the State of Texas) but, in my book, Oregon is a hard act to follow ... for its beauty and for its moderate weather and for not having terribly scary bugs.  Still, its been worth it so far just to be able to bond with and spoil my grandson and watch him grow and thrive.  I wouldn't have missed that part for anything.

The Long Goodbye

I'm writing this post with severe reservations.  There are just so many emotions involved and, also, a sense that I don't really know exactly what is ahead but, here goes.

My mother turns 88 years old in a couple of days.  She has always been the best mom, just a great person.  She has been my rock but, not anymore.  You see, this has been a tough year for mom and for all of our family.  We lost my little brother (little being a euphemism because, he wasn't so little but, he was the youngest).  This seems to have totally taken the wind out of mom's sails.  I can't say that I know what it is like to lose a child and so I don't know exactly how she feels.  I mean we all are sad but, her level of grief has swept right into anger and we are all caught up in the tidal wave.  She just is not herself and I have had to face the reality that I can no longer turn to her when I am struggling.

But wait, it gets worse.  Right in the midst of all of this grief and anger, I am called to move out of state for six months to assist my own child with health issues.  Mom won't say it as it wouldn't be politically correct but, she doesn't want me to go.  I have to go.  I'm trusting that she'll still be here when I return but, maybe she won't.  I have to get on with my plans in spite of these doubts.  Its a hard place to be.  This seems to be the battle cry of middle aged women everywhere ... caught between two generations.

It is hard watching a loved parent growing older and changing due to old age, illness and grief.  No one enjoys this process.  Least of all the person going through it.  How much are we supposed to sacrifice of our own peace of mind to tend to them?  Who do we choose, our parent or our child?  It certainly doesn't even come into the mix that we choose ourselves.  We jump under those buses and we do the best we can ... and now I can say, when I am very old, its entirely possible that my kids won't be there for me because some other duty calls.  I hope I remember how this feels so that I don't make them feel bad for whatever choice they make.

In the meantime, it is a series of little goodbyes when dealing with an aging parent.  It is goodbye to the strong, independent parent, even as they are still here.  It is saying goodbye to a more frail parent when we have to walk away for a little while.  And, ultimately, there is the final goodbye when they depart this earth.  When the goodbye happens in stages like this, it is long.  I now understand why mom always said she hoped she went quickly with all of her wits about her.  She is not enjoying this long goodbye anymore than the rest of us.  I hope she does know that in spite of the difficulties that I love her very much because loving her is all that I've got right now.

SURPRISE

     "We can never be prepared for everything.  No one person can anticipate all of life.  In fact, over preparation is yet another way to wall ourselves in from life.  Rather, we can only prepare for how we might respond to the gift of surprise that often moves in on us faster than our reflex to resist.  

     "Life is surprising, thank God, and God, the chance to know Oneness, lives in surprise.  For God is seldom in our plans, but always in the unexpected."  -  Mark Nepo

      YES!

      I ran across these paragraphs in my morning reading.  These words perfectly sum up the way my life has unfolded of late.  My plan is that there is no real plan because everything I used to think my life would look like at this point has been turned on its head.  The details aren't really the important part.  The story really is in the process of letting go and being open to the elements of surprise in life.  

     I find myself packing up, putting my things into storage and heading to Texas for six months.  And, even as I say this I have to chuckle about my experiences in Texas.  My daughter moved there.  I visited her shortly thereafter ... a normal, fun and reasonably short trip.  Then, she and her husband adopted a baby.  Things changed ... boy, did things change.  My trip down when he came home from the hospital was much longer because the NICU kept delaying his release.  I ended up spending a couple of months with them.  More recently, I went back for a two week visit.  That trip turned into a month when my daughter's back went out and she needed help.  Now, she needs back surgery and there is recuperation and childcare to think about.  Here I go again.  I've decided to go for six months, get my own little place and see what life there is like.   It has been a whirlwind of rearranging my life but, I still feel it is what I truly want to do.  I'm tired but hopeful.

     So, my short term plan is set in motion but, if I've learned anything at all it is that there could be a surprise or two along the way.  I have started letting go of any set agenda.  It is very freeing in one way.  I find myself opening more to random opportunities and new experiences.  I have been shaken loose from a very stable foundation and, while my mood swings from optimism to abject terror, I feel like this is the journey I'm supposed to be on.  And it is amazing how a change of perspective from fear and tentativeness to looking for and appreciating the surprises life offers up can reframe things.

I'm really excited for the next chapter, the next surprise.

Drinking the Poison

"Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Who hasn't heard this one?  And, while its true enough, I would venture to guess that many people hold on to anger way too long.  I, myself, ... work in progress.  I mean, just when I'm feeling all kinds of Zen with my life, along comes a person/situation that just blows up the peace.  This may be why I tend to spend a lot of time hanging out alone ... but, that is a whole other topic.  I mean, what is it about certain people or topics that causes me to mentally go from zero to sixty in a second?

I really, really try to respect others and their opinions.  I also really, really try not to force my own opinions onto others and I would dearly love to be treated in the same manner.  I have enough friends at this stage in life who I truly love and respect that it matters not one whit if they believe differently than I do about things.  And, if they feel the same way, we are good.  Don't get me wrong, we can have friendly discussions and even agree to disagree but, if you are going to blow a gasket because I won't change my mind ... well, you are crossing all sorts of boundaries.  Leave out polite discourse.  No one has a right to tell me what to think, believe or feel.  Nor do I want the responsibility of making those decisions for others.  If something I say or hear resonates that is great but, that is all that needs to happen.

So, the gist of this is that I don't get mad if you don't agree with me but, if you are going to get mad at me for disagreeing with you ... well, we are going to have a problem.  This brings me back around to anger.  I know well enough that people are going to push my boundaries in all kinds of ways.  They will push my buttons.  So, when they finally go all the way with angry outbursts, that's when I reach my limit and I get mad.  Well, this isn't the way I want to react and I think it is a perfectly useless response so, why do I do it?  Its knee jerk, its a gut reaction and I am trying so very hard to not feel that way.  I mean, I can remain outwardly calm but, my insides are experiencing anger at the highest level.  I hold it in, I fret, I think of all of the things I could have/should have said.  I dislike this about myself.  I dislike this 'for' myself.  I don't feel good about it.  So, I need to find a way to 'let it go' quickly ... or just not let it get there in the first place because anger is an insidious, destructive thing ... mainly for the person holding on to it.

RECALCULATING

I ran across a humorous quote on Facebook today.  It said, "If my life were on GPS, I would constantly hear RECALCULATING."  I literally LOL'd.   Humor is never more funny than when it is true.  And lately, this is definitely true in my life.

I have bounced around more, both emotionally and physically, in the past five or six years than I did in the previous 25.  Some of that was by choice and quite a bit was not.  I am a firm believer in 'looking for the lesson' in the things that happen to me.  I make conscious decisions to find the take away from negative experiences.  If not, then I feel I'm destined to keep repeating that type of thing until I 'get it.'  And yet, I'm more a creature of habit than I am an adventurer.  So, why does life keep tossing me these challenges?  What is the lesson or lessons?

I believed for a huge part of my life that one should choose a path, work hard and go responsibly down that path.  And then .... life skidded off the path ... RECALCULATING.  I had to make peace with the realization that what I had thought and believed might not actually be the path I was intended to walk.  I made changes.  I made a new plan.  I got stuck in a rut.  RECALCULATING.  So what now?  Do I turn off that inner GPS and explore new paths?   I'm inclined to think that my plan is to have no definitive plan, which is not to say that I won't have goals.  But, if my short term plans and long term goals don't feel right anymore ... well then, I'm okay with RECALCULATING.  Maybe that was the lesson.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I'm not ashamed to admit that occasionally throughout my life I've dealt with a little depression.  Its not to a level that medication is required but, it definitely crops up when life gets difficult.  And, when is life always perfect?  So, when that happens, I fall down the rabbit hole.  I lose my spark, I can't get motivated and I just don't seem to be able to remember what I'm about.  When I'm in the hole, it feels like all efforts to crawl out are met with people stomping on my knuckles or kicking me in the teeth .. metaphorically speaking.  In other words, my focus goes to a dark and negative place.  And the very worst thing about this situation is the reluctance to ask for help or to just simply admit it.  But, here's the thing.  There are lots of people (best friends especially) who are ready to help.

It finally dawned on me the other day that I was in the pit ... again.  This has not been the case for quite awhile so, I failed to notice I was going there.  I finally threw the thought out there to some good and wise friends and just doing that, started my climb out of it.  I realized that maybe some simple herbal remedies might kick start my efforts.  I was reminded by a good friend that if I started each day with an intention, it would help me get out of bed.  And, just the simple act of talking it out helped immensely.

So, today I set some intentions.  I figured if I managed only a fraction, that would be a good thing.  I have been checking them off.  The most important of intentions is self care.  Drink the water, eat the healthy food, go for a walk ... you know the drill.  Then there are the intentions based on accomplishment ... at least make your bed.  Do one thing toward a goal that seems too huge and overwhelming.  And finally, intentionally find a little joy.  Its spring ... there are blooms galore (at least in my neck of the woods).  Do something creative ... you don't have to be Rembrandt.  Even if you work full-time, try to fit in some 'me time' because, as I've found out, no one else is going to take care of me if I don't.

There is one more thing I very much want to address.  I am no spring chicken.  My peers and I are aging baby boomers.  We are part of a generation where the sky was the limit.  Now, we are empty nesters and retired or nearly so.  And yet, we are so much healthier and youthful than previous generations of the same age.  It sounds great to retire or be done raising children and be able to go and do ... but, for many of us, we lose a sense of purpose and, worst of all, we don't feel needed.  It is hard and it may sound silly but, it is not for sissies to reinvent your life at this age.   So, if a little depression creeps in ... try to recognize it and get help in one form or another.  As another very dear friend put it "We are on a short runway."

UGH

I'm filled with rage.  This is not a comfortable feeling for me ... what do I do with this?  I'm not aggressive, violent or confrontational by nature. But I am so damned angry right now.  So, I'm going to try to 'use my words' as we were apt to tell our toddlers.

I'm so tired of the unfairness of life ... as if anyone ever said it would be fair.  But sometimes, I just cannot deal anymore with the ridiculousness of our nation.  Every.single.thing has to have a label: 'First world, third world, black lives matter, blue lives matter, liberal, neo-con, Bible thumper, atheist, fat, skinny, greedy, lazy, pro life, pro choice, gun toter, pacifist .... ad nauseum.  Some media whiz kid, or spin doctor working for a political group slaps a name on a person, people or movement and we all jump on a side and ride that wave.  We fight and argue and try to seize the moral high ground while grinding our proverbial heels into the 'other guy.'  We glorify the winners in this ugly game.  We worship at the hems of the likes of the Kardashians or the Trumps.  It is sickening.  I can only be amazed anymore when children turn out okay.  There is just so much ugly being heaped on their young lives.

Meanwhile, on social media, the self-aggrandizing attention whores toot their horns and people rush in to 'like' their crazy utterings.  If its not a thinly veiled pity party with a Greek chorus of 'oh what's wrong,' it is a 'look at me having the best life ever' scenario which, loosely translated, is a brag fest.  Come on people.  Neither story is real ... its just another dose of instant gratification.  Whatever happened to being humble?  I mean, its no secret that the squeaky wheel gets the grease but, we have turned increasingly into a nation of squeaking wheels and the noise is just one big cacophony of ego. No one, and I repeat, no one ever puts anything on Facebook without an expectation of a reaction (yes, self included).  We have to ask ourselves this question: "When did we become so damned insecure that a social media site is the arbiter of how we feel about ourselves?"  And, I know there will be people out there who will react by saying its all just fun and/or harmless, etc.  I would counter that at a larger level ... no, its not harmless.  It is setting up generations of young people to think that what nameless, faceless people think about them or their ideas matters.  It doesn't ... unless you are doing something illegal.

So yep, I'm angry ... I'm angry that common decency has left the building.  That thoughtfulness and appreciation for the good and humble people who just try hard every day has been replaced by mindless adulation for the truly greedy, self-serving, sarcastic trolls of the world.  Now that the puppet masters have divided us on every conceivable issue, they are free to pick up the pieces (wealth) of our nation and planet because we are too busy arguing, fussing and fighting.  But guess what?  We all bleed red, we all cry tears, and we are all going to end up the same .... 'Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.'  Maybe its time to look for the humanity and sameness in each other and to quit focusing on the differences.

And, on that note, thank you for indulging me in an uncharacteristic rant.

My Heart is Overflowing

My daughter and her husband are adopting!  I'm so filled with joy right now that my heart knows no bounds.  I have to put a little perspective on this.  This young couple tried for a couple of years to concieve but, that was not to be.  They had made a conscious decision to put parenthood on the back burner and focus on career.  And then, it happened, a baby became available for adoption ... and not just any baby, a micro preemie.  He fought long and hard and made it to 6 pounds in good form and they got the call.  Would they be interested?  Maybe.

When my daughter informed me it was with a 'Hey Mom, how would you like to move to Texas for a couple of months?'  Say what?  Sure ... jokingly.  Then she told me the deal.  They would need me if they were to consider doing this thing.  I told them that I would not weigh in about their decision but, if they decide to go forward with the adoption, I was all in.  And so a lot of deliberating and self education ensued with the result being that the minute they went to the hospital and held the little guy, they fell in love ... and, the rest is history.

So, I am officially a grandma.  My intuition kept telling me ... this is right ... there is a reason this is happening.  I just knew that this little spirit had been meant for my kids.  I feel it now ... I feel like I'm meant to know him and be a part of his life.  I feel like he is strong and every bit of a blessing.  I do not know precisely how things will play out but, I know that there is a purpose for this child to be placed in our family and we are going to embrace him and love him like the blessing that he is.  And, oddly enough, I feel like he was meant to be my grandson in particular.  Watch out little buddy, you are going to be forever mine.

A**HOLES

So, let me begin by saying, excuse the title.  I am using that term in this post very deliberately and here is why.  It seems we have turned into a nation rife with 'a**holes' and I am not kidding.  I want to add that we all have been guilty of 'a**hole' moments.  You know what I mean.  The time you didn't exactly handle your road rage.  The time that you made a snide remark when turning the other cheek would have been the bigger thing to do.  But seriously, there is an even bigger type of 'a**hole' that seems to be growing in this country.  The type of individual who is an embarrassment to humanity in general and America in particular.  These are the extreme ugly Americans, such as the dentist who decided that it was an honorable thing to shoot a majestic lion.

There is no shortage of ugly Americans and I am referring to them as 'a**holes' deliberately because it is the most blunt form of describing what they are.  These are people who have absolutely no regard for anyone but themselves.  They are narcissistic and it is always about them.  They do not care who they insult, make fun of (such as lovely cyber trolls) or who they hurt in their ever growing need to please only themselves.  These people will cut you off in traffic, elbow you out of the way in a crowd and, although I am using a 'naughty' word to describe them, they will throw out all kinds of swear words in public and in front of other peoples' (not to mention their own) children.

Where do these people come from and how do they become so crass and clueless?  Well, one may be wrong in assuming but, my guess is that they were raised by ... you guessed it .... 'a**holes.'  So, when someone shames these people on social media, I do not feel particularly sorry for them, if at all.  If you are going to go out and act shamelessly, do not be surprised if you are shamed for it, not that it will probably do any good.  In fact, lets bring back the stocks.  I'm just kidding but, we are creating a nation of 'a**holes' by letting these individuals get away with antisocial and uncivil behavior and it is about time we got a new program in this country.

We need to start teaching our children that they are not the center of the universe, that you do not get self esteem because someone tells you that you are wonderful but by doing good things.  We need to set a better example for the children ... that it is not alright to be inconsiderate and unkind.  I hear a lot of blather from a variety of people demanding respect.  I'll tell you what ... earn it by acting like a decent human being and by not being an embarrassment to your countrymen.  Actions will always speak louder than words.  Act like an 'a**hole' and you are an 'a**hole.'

We Build Our Own Prisons

Odd title, I know.

I was thinking about the situations that people find themselves in that make them unhappy.  It goes without saying that bad things happen to good people.  Those things are rarely anticipated and usually have the effect of blindsiding the individual.  But, what about the aftermath?  Well, quite simply, its a choice as to how we respond to the blindsides.  Always, always, always ... its a choice.  We can wallow in victim mode indefinitely or, we can get up and move forward.

I've always been a firm believer that our minds and/or thoughts are our most powerful tools.  Where your thinking goes, so goes your life.  All of that brings me back around to the title of my post.  If we stay in victim mode, we are in a prison of our own making.  We can stay miserable, we can wallow, we can blame but, we won't move forward.  Sometimes breaking down those prison walls means admitting that the status quo is no longer working.  It means that we have to have the courage to envision something better for ourselves and move toward it.  And, it is damned hard.  No one ever said it would be easy.  There will be pain.

The thing about taking control of our lives is that no matter how hard the journey is, its ours to plan ... our bus to drive.  It is terrifying and freeing and occasionally sad and often hopeful.  It is saying no to things that no longer serve us and hello to possibilities for real joy.  It is unearthing that self that was buried for so long under layers of someone else's vision.  Its a work in progress and it means being braver than you've ever felt on any given day.  And, its worth it to walk out into the sunlight of our own dreams.

A Blog Name and Random Changes

I haven't blogged for a year.  No excuses ... just didn't want to, had other things going on.  Life just has a way of happening and, before you know it, a year has flown past and, along with it, many changes have taken place.  And that brings me back around to the creation of my blog.

I was in a bad spot when I first began to blog and express myself through writing.  It was all I could do to get through my days so, I would write about the things that were hurting me.  I heard the song by One Republic entitled 'Marching On' and it really resonated with me ... especially the part about 'putting one foot in front of the other.'  There were days when that was all I could do.

In the aftermath of pain, people go about rebuilding their lives ... they frequently try to 'get their lives back.'  But, all along, the only constant is change.  It wasn't the same life, I wasn't the same person.  I ran across this quote by Heraclitus in some of my readings:

No man steps into the same river twice.  It is not the same river and he is not the same man.

This is a very simple yet profound metaphor.  We cannot go through life-changing events and stay the same ... nor were we meant to.  Maybe we are awakened to wanting more, maybe we decide what will truly make a more meaningful life and, most importantly, we grow.  We are changed. I was changed ... I was not the same woman, it was not the same life.  

The one constant thing about change though ... it is going to happen whether you are ready or not.  A profound event calls for a profound reaction.  You either let it run over you or ... as the song goes ... continue putting one foot in front of the other.  So, maybe this blog has come full circle.  From pain, to the mundane events of life, back to pain ... or maybe not pain so much as growth and change.  The take away for me is that you can never get too comfortable planning your perfect life because it all can change in a heartbeat.  This is not necessarily a pessimistic view for the simple fact that life can present you with pain and then turn around and give you unexpected joy.  Its not personal, its just life. 

Here's What is Popping

Just a little look at the plants and flowers that are popping up in my garden.

A couple cute pots ...

Here are some shade areas that are always so pretty in the spring ...

The borders are just filling in and will get a boost with annuals soon ...

The first poppy ...

This is where the birds hang out ...

Another pot ...

Hope you enjoyed my garden!

Winter 2013

This December in Oregon has been one for the record books.  Temperatures in the minuses have not been seen in this part of the state since the early 1970's.  Needless to say, although beautiful to look at, lots of problems ensued ... broken pipes, failed heating systems, etc.  We were quite fortunate not to have experienced either but, we sure know people who did.  My biggest inconvenience was being unable to get out and about for a week ... which put me behind for Christmas preparations but, that passed and I am caught up.

So, without further ado, let me show you some of the pictures taken around home.  Although they look pretty and innocent, consider that it was probably about 19 degrees (a warming trend from -9 degrees) when I finally ventured out to take pictures.

Enjoy!

Perfect Moment

Have you ever had a moment of perfect peace, or joy, or grace?  I bet you have ... the thing is, did you really notice and take it in.  I happen to think there are many of them in life but, in this fast paced society, we don't always appreciate them.  I had one such moment today.  Let me tell you about it.

I was driving into town to meet a friend for coffee.  The sun was shining and the day had become warmer than predicted.  I was driving along noticing that so many trees were either in bud or blooming.  The myriad shades of green that are Oregon in the spring were just vibrant and those were accented by pink and white blossoms as well as the splashes of yellow of the daffodils in yards and along the road.

I looked up and noticed that the blue sky was dotted with puffy white clouds ... I am such a cloud person.  Love them!  A hawk was floating on an updraft and slowly circling overhead.  And then I saw him.

He was a the most gorgeous white stallion and he was prancing through the pasture along a fence line.  His head and tail were up and his mane was flowing out behind him like a creature out of a fairytale. He was stunning and it was almost as if he knew how beautiful he was.   And I knew that he also knew that the world was waking up.  The color is back and spring has sprung.   He was just so full of joy that it was contagious and I basked in that brief moment ... a perfect moment on a perfect spring day.

These moments are the gifts that we receive only as often as we are open to them.  Be open, take in those moments, look around and see the joy.  It will change your perspective ... trust me.