UGH

I'm filled with rage.  This is not a comfortable feeling for me ... what do I do with this?  I'm not aggressive, violent or confrontational by nature. But I am so damned angry right now.  So, I'm going to try to 'use my words' as we were apt to tell our toddlers.

I'm so tired of the unfairness of life ... as if anyone ever said it would be fair.  But sometimes, I just cannot deal anymore with the ridiculousness of our nation.  Every.single.thing has to have a label: 'First world, third world, black lives matter, blue lives matter, liberal, neo-con, Bible thumper, atheist, fat, skinny, greedy, lazy, pro life, pro choice, gun toter, pacifist .... ad nauseum.  Some media whiz kid, or spin doctor working for a political group slaps a name on a person, people or movement and we all jump on a side and ride that wave.  We fight and argue and try to seize the moral high ground while grinding our proverbial heels into the 'other guy.'  We glorify the winners in this ugly game.  We worship at the hems of the likes of the Kardashians or the Trumps.  It is sickening.  I can only be amazed anymore when children turn out okay.  There is just so much ugly being heaped on their young lives.

Meanwhile, on social media, the self-aggrandizing attention whores toot their horns and people rush in to 'like' their crazy utterings.  If its not a thinly veiled pity party with a Greek chorus of 'oh what's wrong,' it is a 'look at me having the best life ever' scenario which, loosely translated, is a brag fest.  Come on people.  Neither story is real ... its just another dose of instant gratification.  Whatever happened to being humble?  I mean, its no secret that the squeaky wheel gets the grease but, we have turned increasingly into a nation of squeaking wheels and the noise is just one big cacophony of ego. No one, and I repeat, no one ever puts anything on Facebook without an expectation of a reaction (yes, self included).  We have to ask ourselves this question: "When did we become so damned insecure that a social media site is the arbiter of how we feel about ourselves?"  And, I know there will be people out there who will react by saying its all just fun and/or harmless, etc.  I would counter that at a larger level ... no, its not harmless.  It is setting up generations of young people to think that what nameless, faceless people think about them or their ideas matters.  It doesn't ... unless you are doing something illegal.

So yep, I'm angry ... I'm angry that common decency has left the building.  That thoughtfulness and appreciation for the good and humble people who just try hard every day has been replaced by mindless adulation for the truly greedy, self-serving, sarcastic trolls of the world.  Now that the puppet masters have divided us on every conceivable issue, they are free to pick up the pieces (wealth) of our nation and planet because we are too busy arguing, fussing and fighting.  But guess what?  We all bleed red, we all cry tears, and we are all going to end up the same .... 'Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.'  Maybe its time to look for the humanity and sameness in each other and to quit focusing on the differences.

And, on that note, thank you for indulging me in an uncharacteristic rant.

My Heart is Overflowing

My daughter and her husband are adopting!  I'm so filled with joy right now that my heart knows no bounds.  I have to put a little perspective on this.  This young couple tried for a couple of years to concieve but, that was not to be.  They had made a conscious decision to put parenthood on the back burner and focus on career.  And then, it happened, a baby became available for adoption ... and not just any baby, a micro preemie.  He fought long and hard and made it to 6 pounds in good form and they got the call.  Would they be interested?  Maybe.

When my daughter informed me it was with a 'Hey Mom, how would you like to move to Texas for a couple of months?'  Say what?  Sure ... jokingly.  Then she told me the deal.  They would need me if they were to consider doing this thing.  I told them that I would not weigh in about their decision but, if they decide to go forward with the adoption, I was all in.  And so a lot of deliberating and self education ensued with the result being that the minute they went to the hospital and held the little guy, they fell in love ... and, the rest is history.

So, I am officially a grandma.  My intuition kept telling me ... this is right ... there is a reason this is happening.  I just knew that this little spirit had been meant for my kids.  I feel it now ... I feel like I'm meant to know him and be a part of his life.  I feel like he is strong and every bit of a blessing.  I do not know precisely how things will play out but, I know that there is a purpose for this child to be placed in our family and we are going to embrace him and love him like the blessing that he is.  And, oddly enough, I feel like he was meant to be my grandson in particular.  Watch out little buddy, you are going to be forever mine.

A**HOLES

So, let me begin by saying, excuse the title.  I am using that term in this post very deliberately and here is why.  It seems we have turned into a nation rife with 'a**holes' and I am not kidding.  I want to add that we all have been guilty of 'a**hole' moments.  You know what I mean.  The time you didn't exactly handle your road rage.  The time that you made a snide remark when turning the other cheek would have been the bigger thing to do.  But seriously, there is an even bigger type of 'a**hole' that seems to be growing in this country.  The type of individual who is an embarrassment to humanity in general and America in particular.  These are the extreme ugly Americans, such as the dentist who decided that it was an honorable thing to shoot a majestic lion.

There is no shortage of ugly Americans and I am referring to them as 'a**holes' deliberately because it is the most blunt form of describing what they are.  These are people who have absolutely no regard for anyone but themselves.  They are narcissistic and it is always about them.  They do not care who they insult, make fun of (such as lovely cyber trolls) or who they hurt in their ever growing need to please only themselves.  These people will cut you off in traffic, elbow you out of the way in a crowd and, although I am using a 'naughty' word to describe them, they will throw out all kinds of swear words in public and in front of other peoples' (not to mention their own) children.

Where do these people come from and how do they become so crass and clueless?  Well, one may be wrong in assuming but, my guess is that they were raised by ... you guessed it .... 'a**holes.'  So, when someone shames these people on social media, I do not feel particularly sorry for them, if at all.  If you are going to go out and act shamelessly, do not be surprised if you are shamed for it, not that it will probably do any good.  In fact, lets bring back the stocks.  I'm just kidding but, we are creating a nation of 'a**holes' by letting these individuals get away with antisocial and uncivil behavior and it is about time we got a new program in this country.

We need to start teaching our children that they are not the center of the universe, that you do not get self esteem because someone tells you that you are wonderful but by doing good things.  We need to set a better example for the children ... that it is not alright to be inconsiderate and unkind.  I hear a lot of blather from a variety of people demanding respect.  I'll tell you what ... earn it by acting like a decent human being and by not being an embarrassment to your countrymen.  Actions will always speak louder than words.  Act like an 'a**hole' and you are an 'a**hole.'

We Build Our Own Prisons

Odd title, I know.

I was thinking about the situations that people find themselves in that make them unhappy.  It goes without saying that bad things happen to good people.  Those things are rarely anticipated and usually have the effect of blindsiding the individual.  But, what about the aftermath?  Well, quite simply, its a choice as to how we respond to the blindsides.  Always, always, always ... its a choice.  We can wallow in victim mode indefinitely or, we can get up and move forward.

I've always been a firm believer that our minds and/or thoughts are our most powerful tools.  Where your thinking goes, so goes your life.  All of that brings me back around to the title of my post.  If we stay in victim mode, we are in a prison of our own making.  We can stay miserable, we can wallow, we can blame but, we won't move forward.  Sometimes breaking down those prison walls means admitting that the status quo is no longer working.  It means that we have to have the courage to envision something better for ourselves and move toward it.  And, it is damned hard.  No one ever said it would be easy.  There will be pain.

The thing about taking control of our lives is that no matter how hard the journey is, its ours to plan ... our bus to drive.  It is terrifying and freeing and occasionally sad and often hopeful.  It is saying no to things that no longer serve us and hello to possibilities for real joy.  It is unearthing that self that was buried for so long under layers of someone else's vision.  Its a work in progress and it means being braver than you've ever felt on any given day.  And, its worth it to walk out into the sunlight of our own dreams.

A Blog Name and Random Changes

I haven't blogged for a year.  No excuses ... just didn't want to, had other things going on.  Life just has a way of happening and, before you know it, a year has flown past and, along with it, many changes have taken place.  And that brings me back around to the creation of my blog.

I was in a bad spot when I first began to blog and express myself through writing.  It was all I could do to get through my days so, I would write about the things that were hurting me.  I heard the song by One Republic entitled 'Marching On' and it really resonated with me ... especially the part about 'putting one foot in front of the other.'  There were days when that was all I could do.

In the aftermath of pain, people go about rebuilding their lives ... they frequently try to 'get their lives back.'  But, all along, the only constant is change.  It wasn't the same life, I wasn't the same person.  I ran across this quote by Heraclitus in some of my readings:

No man steps into the same river twice.  It is not the same river and he is not the same man.

This is a very simple yet profound metaphor.  We cannot go through life-changing events and stay the same ... nor were we meant to.  Maybe we are awakened to wanting more, maybe we decide what will truly make a more meaningful life and, most importantly, we grow.  We are changed. I was changed ... I was not the same woman, it was not the same life.  

The one constant thing about change though ... it is going to happen whether you are ready or not.  A profound event calls for a profound reaction.  You either let it run over you or ... as the song goes ... continue putting one foot in front of the other.  So, maybe this blog has come full circle.  From pain, to the mundane events of life, back to pain ... or maybe not pain so much as growth and change.  The take away for me is that you can never get too comfortable planning your perfect life because it all can change in a heartbeat.  This is not necessarily a pessimistic view for the simple fact that life can present you with pain and then turn around and give you unexpected joy.  Its not personal, its just life. 

Here's What is Popping

Just a little look at the plants and flowers that are popping up in my garden.

A couple cute pots ...

Here are some shade areas that are always so pretty in the spring ...

The borders are just filling in and will get a boost with annuals soon ...

The first poppy ...

This is where the birds hang out ...

Another pot ...

Hope you enjoyed my garden!

Winter 2013

This December in Oregon has been one for the record books.  Temperatures in the minuses have not been seen in this part of the state since the early 1970's.  Needless to say, although beautiful to look at, lots of problems ensued ... broken pipes, failed heating systems, etc.  We were quite fortunate not to have experienced either but, we sure know people who did.  My biggest inconvenience was being unable to get out and about for a week ... which put me behind for Christmas preparations but, that passed and I am caught up.

So, without further ado, let me show you some of the pictures taken around home.  Although they look pretty and innocent, consider that it was probably about 19 degrees (a warming trend from -9 degrees) when I finally ventured out to take pictures.

Enjoy!